By my side
by lysser
Summary: john tries to get over the fact that she left.but its harder then he thought


k so this is my first official fanfic so be nice

its actually a songfic and its by Unkle bob its called swans u might of heard it on greys anatomy

**Disclaimer- i do not own stargate atlantis or any of its characters or anything eles, and all that other stuff, u know it all.**

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-1**_By my side,  
you'll never be._**

He watched from a distance as he always had , always so close to touching her, always that close for her to be by his side.

He had never thought that it would have happened, that just never happened anymore. Now … he didn't know what to think. He silently looked on while she laughed, her beautiful smile lighting up everything around her. And for a second their eyes made contact, and he felt his heart catch in his throat, his heart and his mind tried to reason, but for a second she was there. The moment went by slowly , like time was lost, she looked on, hair bouncing gently, smile slowly melting away, she was pulled away by the crowed swept back into time.

**_By my side,  
you'll. never. be._**

He looked away, the moment draining his emotions. Head down, hand on face, trying to erase the memories. So many times he had dreamed of telling her. And what she would have said. So many times, but he couldn't he was so afraid to open up the chest, he didn't want anymore scars.

**_'Cause I'm fake at the seams,  
I'm lost in my dreams, and  
And I want you to know,  
that I can't let you go._**

He wished he could go back to dreaming of what could be, go back to his fantasies about being with her.. he wished he had never came into contact with the reality, it was to cold and it broke his heart.

He hadn't told her, he hadn't told her until it was to late, and she had made up her mind.

She was leaving . And he couldn't let her. He couldn't LIVE without her .but here he was at the party thrown in her honour. And here he was , basically giving her permission, telling her it was ok, that he was ok.

He wasn't

**_And you're never coming home again,  
And you're never coming home again.  
_**

This was it ,she was gone. He wanted to deny it , deny it 50 times infinity, that she would be back. That everyone was wrong. That it was, and can still be. Hieghtmyer had said not to do it gave him false hope and it would hurt him even more. but what did she know? Right? He slowly pressed his back up against the wall and sank down to the ground , resting his head on his knees. He was aware that he was in a public place but he didn't care. He watched people s leg as they walked by. black shoes ,that's all he saw, black shoes. And just like he had denied himself Carson, he did her. But his resolve slowly slipped away, and he felt himself breaking down.  
****

I wanted to tell you I changed.  
I wanted to tell you that things would be different this time.

So many things left unsaid, undone, unresolved. He was going to tell her everything, he did but he didn't have enough time, she _had _to go. He tasted something salty, what was that? Then he remembered, it was the taste of tears. He looked up, and he noticed Elisabeth, and Ronon making their way over to him, both dressed in their best blacks.

He quickly stood up, he couldn't face them, and he bolted out of the room. ****

I see you, you see me,  
Differently.  
I see you, you see me,  
Differently.

He ended up in his quarters , the lights where off , bed undone, everything left the same , the way it was. He fell on his bed staring up at the dark ceiling.

But he couldn't stop thinking.

Wait. some one was there , watching, he stood up turned around. He couldn't breath.

Not even speak. She walked forward, glowing slightly.

'"John" a hand reached up and caressed his cheek. He closed his eyes.

A sad smile appeared on her lips, "I'm so sorry."

He looked down, then back up, with watery eyes. "why did you leave?'

She shook her head, tears springing to her eyes "I'm so sorry, John I cant.. I.. Just cant. Not yet." She came closer to him "I love you" she whispered "I always will." and then she was gone , swept away into the wind, and out the window, he surged forward to the window sill. Searching the sky for her. He touched his lips with his fingers. "Teyla"

_**You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again.

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review please!!**_

u know u really want too!

D


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